We have all heard of helicopter parenting. You know, the kind of parents that are uber involved in every aspect of their child’s life and sort of buzz and run circles around them as they grow up.

I work with a lot of parents and kids, I hear from a lot of parents and kids, and I spend all day reading about parents and kids today. Something about the term helicopter parenting wasn’t fitting right with the kinds of questions and problems that parents and youth bring to me and talk about.

Teacup parenting is a much better fit.

I do not want to offend anyone with this post, I am just simply stating a trend that I see in the parenting community. Some of the traits of teacup parenting are good, and some, in my opinion are a bit scary.

1. Cherished Possession

Like a teacup heirloom, children are often treated as their most cherished possession. This is great!

2. Teacups Break Easily

This one is not so good, many of the kids I mentor and went to school with can break at any moment. When they do not get their way, like do not get a class schedule they want or cannot get driven to a place they want to go they literally crumble.

3. Once It Gets Chipped, It Feels Ruined

Many members of my generation feel the need to be perfect all the time. When something bad happens or do not get a perfect grade, they feel unworthy, like a bad person and ruined. I wish this was not the case and realize that chips and smudges build character and we learn from them, they are not to displayed prominently or tarnish your character.

4. Want to Display a Beautiful Set

There is absolutely nothing wrong with parents who brag and talk about their kids, but recently I see parents putting their kids on display like they are going up for auction: “Carrie is applying to Harvard and Yale, she has a 4.2 GPA and a 90 percentile SAT score, she plays tennis in the Junior Olympics, any takers, anyone? going once, going twice…”

5. Want to be like the Others

Parents especially want their kids to fit in and be a perfect part of the family and uphold all of your values. This is not always the case. There is a lot of pressure on kids to not only succeed, but succeed in what their parents want them to do. We need to be different, we strive to be different, we do not fit into a set.

6. Only Feed it High Quality Tea

Again, not always a bad thing. But many parents are ob.sess.ed. with the idea of only high quality, organic, positive energy, luxury, natural foods and products on, in or near their kids. Unlike a teacup, we do not get stained when we eat a big mac, and many kids are now afraid of regular food and have developed all sorts of crazy food allergies because of it.

7. The Quality Reflects Your Taste and Status

Teacups or a tea set often reflects the owners taste and status depending on the price and style of the set. I know that kids reflect on their parents, but if we mess-up, we mess-up let us get a little dirty and wear mismatching clothes if we want to, it is our way of experimenting.

8. You Do Not Want It to Leave the Collection

I have known parents to move to their kid’s college town or take an apartment off-campus for visiting times. Unlike a teacup, we need to leave the home permanently (some parents are looking forward to this day!)

9. Must Be Very Delicate with It

If you have not yet learned about Vanessa Van Petten, well…it’s time to get to know her. Her work is fresh, provocative and has me thinking about my own skills as a parent. Thank-you Vanessa for this wonderful article.

We fall, we get in trouble, we lose sports games we feel general ickiness. You cannot–and should not protect us from this. We need to feel those bumps so that when we grow up we do not fall apart at the first curve in the road.

10. All Teacups Have Essentially the Same Function

A teacup, although it can have all different designs and styles, is essentially just used to drink tea. Kids on the other hand do not all grow up to be mommies and daddies. I am now 23 and oh my goodness I cannot believe that some of my friends are deciding to get married and have kids (freak out!), but some others have decided they really do not want to have a family and are getting a lot of grief from their parents. We might lead a different kind of life than you and I hope this is ok.

Not everyone is a teacup parent. Are you? Do you know any teacup parents?

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Our young adults are smart. They’re worldly. They are persistent. Yet for some reason, we are sending them the message that we don’t trust them to make smart decisions on their own, and this is a shame. As I heard this story, I had to look back at my own helicopter parenting…the number of times I pick up the phone each day to hear that one of my kids needs something (something they can certainly figure out on their own.) I am here to say that while I consider myself stronger than most, I have frequently fallen into the trap of reacting rather than supporting my kids to be independent.

So, while this list below may make you chuckle, many of these things are actually going on in the world. My request is that if you are a parent and if any of these apply to you that you stop it. And…I will join you in taking this list on!

You May Be a Helicopter Parent If…

• You are writing your child’s resume and passing it off as your child’s
• You are completing your child’s homework assignments
• You are staying up until 2:00 in the morning to write or tweak your child’s college essays
• You are calling college admissions’ departments to chew out the poor admissions folks when your child does not get into the college of his or her choice
• You are calling your colleagues to ask them if they will hire your son who won’t get off the couch
• You are more concerned about shopping for your outfit for your child’s job interview than advising your child on his or her outfit
• You invent your own “Bring Your Dad to Work” day so that you can pop into the job scene at any time
• You are attending job fairs on behalf of your child
• Your child gets into an argument with a friend, and you call the friend to let ‘em have it
• Your adult child gets a bad performance review, and you schedule a meeting with the boss to have a word or two
• Your child is over the age of 23, and you are still shopping for their groceries, toiletries and household items
• Your child calls ten times a day, and you answer the phone each and every time
• You are spending at least one hour daily searching college websites so that you can choose a college for your child
• You are still planning and throwing birthday parties for your age 15+ child, and you are inviting clowns, ponies and Barney
• Your child only calls one time a day, and you are getting your feelings hurt
• You have become a broker for roommate disputes with your child
• You demand to have a tour of the company before your child agrees to take a job
• Your dream job is to become the Dean of Parents for your child’s school
• You walk in the room, and everyone hears the sound of a roaring, whirring bird

If any of these sound like you, you may be hovering a bit too close over your child and it’s time to back off and let them fly. While you can certainly be a sounding board or provide solicited advice (the key word here is solicited), when it comes to making a big life decision, in the end, it’s truly up to your adult child. They will grow and learn from each good and bad decision they make.

Helicopter parents have not only been bombarding college campuses, they are now flying way too close to the workplace. Parents are now involved in the hiring and interview process and calling HR departments to negotiate terms for their children or to berate them for not giving their sons or daughters an offer. Parents believe they are doing their child a favor, but this behavior can actually stunt a child’s adult development and hamper their ability to think and survive on their own. The hovering is also hurting the young adult’s chances to land the job, as employers roll their eyes and pull their hair out over the barage of phone calls from parents making demands, negotiating salaries and grilling them about benefits.

Don’t get me wrong…I do believe that parents have their place in the interview process, but this hovering and coddling has to stop, and most Gen Y’s are begging for their independence.

If you are a parent, here are a few ways you can help:

1) Become an outside advisor to your child to help him or her understand the total compensation package.  Talk needs, values and future goals and discuss the package in relationship to those desires.

2) Practice interviews with your child. Allow your adult child to role play both the interview candidate and the interviewer. Ask tough questions and give feedback to help strengthen your child’s interview skills.

3) Resist the urge to contact your child’s potential employer (this can actually hurt his or her chances of landing the job.) Let your adult child be the one to follow up with the recruiter and the hiring leader. This will help him or her develop the independence and confidence needed to navigate the business world.

4) Serve as a sounding board only during the interview process. Allow your child to talk, ask questions and “vent” if needed.

5) Take your young adult on a shopping day to advise on an interview wardrobe. Your adult child will have questions about what to wear for the interview (I am going through this right now with my 20-year old twins.)

If you are an employer who is being challenged by helicopter parents:

1) The helicopter parent is here. If you try to fight it, you may encounter more difficulties along the way.

2) As an employer, you will need to decide if you are going to allow helicopter parents in the door.   If you decide that you do not want to engage with the helicopter parent, you will need to enforce privacy policies from the top to the bottom of the organization.

3) Develop a packet which includes company information and a letter which details out your interview process.   During the interview, ask the young adult if they want company information sent to anyone. 

4) Host a conference call during the hiring process with the parents (if wanted only). Make this known upfront (that this is the one time that parents are allowed into the hiring process and discourage other contact in a professional way such as saying “We offer a conference call for parents before the second interview. Due to the large volume of interviews, we would like to request that you use this time to ask all questions regarding your child’s future employment.”)

5) Create a specific website just for parents which includes company information, information about interviews, dress code and a list of FAQs.  Outline in detail the hiring, review and firing process for parents. Be specific. This will prevent misunderstandings later.

Here is my comment in response:

Wonderful post Tammy.

I have interviewed over 100 Generation Y business leaders and entrepreneurs over the last 18 months, and I am a mother of three Generation Y young adults.  I have found each Gen Y I have spoken with to be giving, civic minded and quite caring for their peers and our world.  They are craving mentoring and guidance from adults, and many are hiring older, wiser mentors to meet that need.

As a parent, I am the first to admit that I raised my children on a healthy dose of self esteem and praise, as many Gen Yers have.  My question is “Isn’t this what we all want?”  Simply because Gen Y has been vocal about what they need and want in career and life doesn’t make them narcissistic.  In my opinion, it makes them quite smart.

I believe that we need Gen Y’s self esteem, creativity and technological savvy to guide us into the future.  And, I believe that Gen Y’s confidence may be just what we need to navigate the rocky roads we are traveling right now in our world.

Boomers’ hope: That the kids are all right

As always when these articles appear, I noticed some comments by people calling Generation Y lazy (my hunch is this is a Boomer or a Gen X calling Gen Y’s lazy). I believe that we can emotionally support our children by stopping this name calling. With the Millennial Leaders project, we interviewed multiple Generation Y business leaders who are working very hard and who are giving back to the world through establishing non profits and working for organizations like the Peace Corps and Teach for America (if you want to be inspired, read the chapters in our book on Mari Moss and Nathan Rothstein).

So to call these kids lazy is perpetuating a stereotype that feeds a negative message to these young men and women. As a parent of 3 Gen Y’s, I believe that by instilling a sense of contribution back to society and by teaching them that to spend money, you must be willing to work to earn it (right now, that’s the way our economy works…money is a medium of exchange, and it does not grow on trees). And, along the way, we can help our kids build emotional muscles by teaching them that mistakes and failure (let them be late for work, let them make a bad grade) are a part of maturing into adulthood.

Finally, the invention of cell phones and e-mail are not helping this situation with over-involved parents. As parents, we need to resist the urge to pick up the phone at the drop of a hat. It sends the message that we will always be there to bail our kids out, and to be honest…they don’t want this. They are telling us to stop calling their college campuses and their employers. So, as a boomer to other boomers, we can do something about this, and we can start by taking responsibility for helping create this worry and doubt by always giving our kids a pillow to land softly.

Here is what Dr. Carolyn Martin has to say in chapter 4 of Millennial Leaders.

“Gen Yers are still a huge latchkey generation, but their parents are much more involved. You’ve heard about “helicopter parents” who hover over their son’s or daughter’s every decision? What courses should they take? What positions should they apply for? What 401-K plan should they sign up for? I don’t have a problem with savvy parents offering savvy advice to young adults. My concern is with “paratrooper parents” who don’t just hover; they swoop down and intervene. They’re writing the resumes, going on interviews, fighting with managers about their child’s less than stellar performance evaluations. That’s not real caring; that’s caretaking. And it not only delays maturity, but it weakens problem-solving and decision-making abilities. The managers of the world would love it if the Baby Boomers would just back off and let these young adults make their own mistakes, fight their own battles, negotiate their own terms, and learn from the process.”

Here are some other great resources on the topic:

Make Room For Daddy……..And Mommy: Helicopter Parents Are Here!  by Judith Hunt

Do Helicopter Moms Do More Harm Than Good by ABC News

Putting Parents in Their Place:  Outside Class by the Washington Post

Helicopter parents hover when kids job hunt

The Dynasty Starts in Sixth Grade

Millennial Leaders

Our Gold Star World

“The education elite have redefined what it means to be ‘educated.’ If a child is ignorant of facts, dates and figures, no problem. The emphasis now is on self-esteem and ‘just being you.’ That’s much easier than learning”.

Read the full article here.

Pick up a copy of Millennial Leaders to read Jean Twenge’s views in Chapter 2.

Example:  Check out the post that starts like this (really interesting):

“Comment: One problem with this article is that it is such a tiny slice of the population. Twenge discusses Americans as well as those from other countries but there is a great spectrum of individuals across the developed world and within America ??? and now there is a widening disparity between the rich and the poor. “  (From a Silent Generation leader…very insightful!)

Read Full Comments Here.